My Miscarriage - Why am I fundraising for Tommy's?
Ive always been very honest about the reason I started sewing and created Niamhs Neverland. Its not a happy story, although it is much easier to talk about now - i can actually manage it without a tear; sometimes.
Ive spent January celebrating our second birthday by fundraising for Tommy's. I wanted to do something special, and I am so lucky to have some fantastic businesses on board - ill pop all their links at the bottom!
Were all mums... some of us have angel babies, we all have children! We have all donated a wonderful prize to a fantastic giveaway to raise money for a worthwhile cause.
Here are the wonderful prizes...
Nappy Wallet of your choice from Niamhs Neverland
£10 voucher to spend at Tiny Tot Tribe
Multi Use Cover from Cover Me Baby
Rainbow Teether from Baby Sweet Pea
Bamboo Dinner Set from Mama Bamboo
Pair of children's leggings from Were Sew Stuffed
£10 Gift Card from Teddo Play - Happy Geniuses
Set of letter block from Crafty Blues
Hand Stamped Note Book from The Indian Block Print Company
Dress of your choice from Popsy
Rainbow Dream Catcher from Woo Productions
Bo Bunny Teether from Rosa & Bo
Reusable Wipes Set from Tag Togs
Chunky Fox from Jomanda
You can donate here -----
We always knew after Niamh we wanted another baby, so when we found out in July 2017 we were pregnant we were over the moon. It was a little surprise as we hadn't been trying long, and it took six months to conceive Niamh.
As with Niamh we told people as soon as we found out, any thought of anything going wrong hadn't crossed my mind, everyone was happy for us and we were planning to welcome our second baby in April 2018.
I never had any sickness with Niamh, I almost didn't feel pregnant at all! So it didn't surprise me to be feeling well with this pregnancy. I had my 8 week booking appointment, and received a date for my 12 week scan. It wasn't until one Sunday evening that I became concerned after noticing some spotting.
I panicked a little, and told Mart. I wasn't too concerned as I knew some spotting could be normal, I called the GP the following morning and got a same day appointment. My GP is lovely, and she arranged an early reassurance scan but did explain that spotting could be normal.
The scan was booked for the Wednesday, so we had to wait a couple of days, the spotting stopped but I had a horrible feeling. It so happened that the scan was booked on our 3rd wedding anniversary, 20th September 2017.
I dropped Niamh at my sister in laws and met Mart at the hospital. I will never forget the sinking feeling I felt, well we both felt waiting for the scan. Even without the scan we both knew what the outcome was going to be. Any sign of positivity had drained from us.
They called us in, started the scan, and silence....
The silence lasted forever.. followed by 'are you sure you have your dates right?'
Yes, i was sure my dates were definitely right, I should have been 10 weeks pregnant.
'There is something there, but there is no heartbeat and it is only measuring 6 weeks'
There was no possibility my dates could have been that far out. So after an internal scan to confirm for sure we were moved into another room.
So very sad, I can only compare it to someone passing away. We cried, and questioned.. oh the questions! Why us? Did we do something? What could have done it? What should be a happy day is now sad, still now I cant pass this day without a thought for what could have been.
A nurse came into the room after what seemed like forever to explain that I needed to wait two weeks before they would intervene. The described it as a missed miscarriage as my body still thought it was pregnant and hadn't yet started the process itself.
I was distraught by this, I couldn't handle knowing that i had to carry what could have been our baby round for another two weeks. The hospital booked me in to go back two weeks later, but also said that my body may start the process itself sooner. All I could do was hope.
All I wanted to do was go and get Niamh and hold her tight, hold her and never let go.
We went home, we hadn't told anyone apart from my parents -it's a bit impossible to keep secrets when you live together. My mother in law came for our anniversary with flowers...
Losing a baby I now know is a very awkward subject for those who have not lost. same as losing a pregnancy cannot be compared to losing a child. I felt very lonely.
My mum lost her second baby too at 13 weeks, it seems we are very similar, so It was reassuring to have her around. I found that people who had never lost found it awkward to talk about it, or didn't want to talk about it. For me this made me feel like I had to forget, like it never happened.. but all I could think of was what could have been.
We went for a curry that night, it was our anniversary after all and I couldn't bear to stay in and cry. I went to teach the next day and the day after... life as normal.
On the Friday evening things started happening, I remember the feeling of relief that finally it would be over but nothing had prepared me for what was coming next. Prior to my miscarriage, I imagined some bleeding and discomfort. I never expected contraction pains. Unfortunately i haemorrhaged and ended up in hospital as Martin was concerned I was losing too much blood. I ended up having to have the remains removed by a doctor as they were stuck I can honestly day that experience was horrific, and something i will never ever forget. I was asked afterwards what I would like doing with the remains, we chose cremation and signed the yellow form.
I imagined once all this was over, I would be okay, life would resume as normal.
What i find concerning is the hospital do not offer any kind of support to ladies who have miscarried. I was packed up and sent on my way. No follow up, no letter to my GP.. nothing.
The months following my miscarriage I became anaemic, vitamin B and D deficient and suffered recurrent tonsilitis and water infections. My body was battered, exhausted and screaming for help. I saw repeated doctors and in the end i broke down to a locum GP. He was prescribing what felt like the hundredth lot of antibiotics, and proceeded to tell me ' I never get stressed, but your stressing me out. Heres the number for counselling'
If he was trying to help me, it didn't work.
I started my second year at Uni five days after my miscarriage, that was hard.
We went abroad in the October, it had been booked for ages and was a much needed break. The in the November I started sewing. It wasn't counselling I needed but a distraction, something to concentrate on, something to grow.
I couldn't bear to be at home on my due date, 15th April 2018, we went away.
Up until we had Aubrey i would think often of what could have been. I still do now infrequently. Something I see jogs my memory, or a date arrives and prompts a thought. I don't think anyone can ever forget, it just gets easier to deal with emotionally.
There should be so much more support available. I was lucky and found a passion for sewing, the business grew from sadness and now makes so many things for beautiful babies.